Missed manners

For visitors to Vietnam should be aware of the following practice:

HANDS OFF

Physical con6tact provides endless opportunities for cultural misunderstandings. While it’s acceptable for people of the same sex to hold hands or walk arm in arm, even married couples refrain from displays of physical affection in public. “A few years ago, a British man I’d known for along time returned to Vietnam after being away for years,” says Diep, a young woman who works in a trendy Hanoi café frequented by people of many nationalities.” He was so surprised to see me again that he gave me a big hug. I was so shocked that I froze and for months after that I couldn’t even look at him.”

This no touching rule, however, seems to be waived aboard motorcycles and, any warm weekend evening, the cities are full of young woven with their arms wrapped around their boyfriends, who drive as slowly as possible.

DRESS FOR SUCCESS

Dress is another area fraught with hidden meaning. People in Vietnam are very conscious of looking neat and, when on vacation, often dress up. Backpackers in tattered garb are a source of perplexed amusement, the mystery being why anyone able to afford a plane ticket would look so poor. It’s worth heeding an old Vietnamese saying, which advises, “Eat for yourself. Dress for others.”(An cho minh. Mac cho nguoi.), since strangers are generally much more helpful if you’re well dressed. While tank tops, miniskirts and shorts are becoming more common, especially in steamy Ho Chi Minh City, women travelers will probably make more genuine friends in less risqué outfits. Exhibitionists, meanwhile, can feel culturally sensitive while expressing themselves in see through fabric, given that nearly transparent ao dai tunics are the national dress.

Not only are people quick to judge you on your appearance, they’re often eager to share their observations, either through compliments or constructive criticism. These tips can be a bit of a shock for. Westerners who, faced with a friend with a bad haircut or ugly shirt, tend to either keep quiet or stammer out a ‘white’ lie. Weight is an especially tricky subject, since, although some Westerners may comment on lost weight, few will initiate a conversation by observing that you’re really packing on the pounds. In Vietnam, meanwhile, it’s not unusual for casual acquaintances to mention that you’ve lost or gained weight, even going so far as to estimate the kilos.

FAMILY VALUES

Just as your physical appearance is an acceptable topic of conversation, so is your personal life. In the Confucian model, society is structured around family and relation ships. Your family background, therefore, is of immediate interest as it helps people to establish how they should relate to you. When applying for a job, many Vietnamese people submit resumes which describe their spouse’s career and their children-information that many Westerners would consider irrelevant to a job search. Upon meeting you, people will soon ask whether you’re married with children.

If not, the correct answer is ‘not yet’. A flat ‘no’ will be interpreted as ‘never’, which will get you labeled as a sad, antisocial weirdo. While western culture is increasingly geared towards celebrating youth and hiding age, Vietnamese society continues to emphasize Confucian values of ancestor worship and respect for elders and social superiors.

People will try to establish your age as quickly as possible, since it determines how they will address you. It’s hard for English speakers who use the pronouns ‘I’ and ‘You’ in all situations to get their minds around Vietnamese forms of address, which vary depending on people’s age, gender, and status. Most of these terms of address, of which there are more than a dozen, describe familial relations, so that people who are not actually related will refer to them selves and each other with titles like Em (younger sister or brother), Chi (older sister), or Bac (uncle).

Most Vietnamese names consist of a family name, a middle name and a given name, arranged in that order. In Vietnam, Anna Nicole Smith, for instance, would be named Smith Nicole Anna. To drop the Mrs and simply call her Anna would be considered extremely forward-unless you happened to be over90 and worth millions.

MONEY MATTERS

Which brings us to money. Questions about your nationality, age and romantic status are often followed by queries into your net worth. How much do you earn in a month? How much did you pay for those shoes? Many Vietnamese people are perplexed by foreigners’ attempts to dodge what, in Vietnam, are perfectly reasonable questions. The western concept of privacy often collides with the Vietnamese emphasis on community. Casual greetings such as “Anh/Chi di dau?”(Where are you going?) or “An com chua?”(Have you eaten yet?) strike many foreigners as nosy, while they are actually the Vietnamese equivalent of “How’s it going?” Nobody expects a detailed answer.

At least in the countryside, nobody expects a “thank you” either. “Now in the cities it’s changing and people thank each other more,” explains a Hanoian friend. “But before, if you thanked people they’d think you were being too formal and unfriendly, even snobbish.” For Westerners raised on ‘pleases’ and ‘thank you’, it’s hard to believe that a smile might suffice. Another cultural head on collision occurs in queues: except in airports and government offices, it’s everyone for him or herself. So don’t be shy. Push ahead. And start asking questions!

Hanoi Tourism Administration

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